Coming In By Coming Out: a return to Jewish roots
presented at Connecting Generations: LGBT+ People of Faith, 12 Nov 2018, during Scottish Interfaith Week
I am 62 year old gay man and a progressive Jew. I have always affiliated with progressive Jewish communities (in the UK these movements are Reform, Liberal, and Masorti). This differs from Orthodox Judaism, where Torah is considered immutable and serves to prescribe one’s lifestyle.
Judaism is more than a religion: we are a people. If you’re Jewish, you’re Jewish for life: there is no conversion from Judaism. Yet there are varying ways of being Jewish: for example, there are many secular Jews who might not attend synagogue services, but might observe traditions such as lighting Chanukah candles or attending a Passover seder—or simply partaking of Jewish culture, e.g. through food or music—or possibly not following any traditions.
I grew up in the 1960s near New York City, in a family of what one might call ‘once a year’ Jews: we generally only attended religious services on the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah (the New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). I attended religious school, and--as a studious type--was Bar Mitzvah at 13 (a rite of passage that includes reading from the Torah scroll during a service), yet my brother did not study for Bar Mitzvah. My formal religious education ended around age 14, and I remained a ‘once a year’ Jew for most of the next decade, as the formal services of my childhood—with organ, choir, and a not particularly participatory service—did not appeal.
Sexuality was not part of my consciousness during my period of religious education; I only became aware of my feelings towards men at around 16. Years later, after I had come out, I was perusing an old religious school textbook, which had a small section on prohibitions against homosexuality. I no longer have this book, but believe that it was probably published by the American Reform movement in the 1960s, well before its 1977 resolution calling for human rights for homosexuals. During my adolescence I was too busy with my studies, too scared, and too ignorant to do anything about my sexual feelings, postponing this until 1978, when I received my Bachelor’s degree and moved across the country to San Francisco, as an opportunity to explore my sexuality.
In 1980 (roughly a year after coming out), looking for something more than bars and the Gay Men’s Chorus, I found Sha’ar Zahav, a synagogue for LGBT+ Jews. I found a warm and welcoming community with more engaging worship services than those of my childhood, and with people just like me! I subsequently became active in the synagogue, increasing my knowledge and confidence with Judaism. Yet at that time I thought “wouldn’t it be great if there were no need for a separate congregation for gay and lesbian Jews”.
Over the years, education and career had me migrating quite a bit. I continued to join existing LGBT+ Jewish communities, was a founding member of two, and participated in international conferences of LGBT+ Jews. Yet when I was living in suburban Washington DC, I found a mainstream Reconstructionist congregation closer to where I lived and more welcoming than the LGBT+ synagogue. That began my participation with mainstream Jewish communities after years in the LGBT+ Jewish cocoon, but where I now had more confidence with my Judaism and sexuality.
Coming out is not a single event, but a process: it generally occurs many times in one’s life. Joining mainstream congregations has meant either remaining closeted or coming out again—primarily the latter, as progressive communities are generally supportive of LGBT+ Jews. Since my first steps back into Judaism, I have lived in places where it’s difficult to find a critical mass of interested LGBT+ Jews to form a community (e.g. here in Glasgow). Career has meant that I haven’t been very active in the LGBT+ community until this past year. So this year, through a number of events (talks on Gender and Sexuality in Judaism to the interfaith and Jewish communities; establishment of GLIN; participation in an interfaith panel at Pride House; and becoming active in LGBT Age), has been a major ‘coming out’ for me: as gay to the interfaith and local Jewish communities; and as Jewish to the LGBT+ community.
And the process continues…